I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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