Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
