If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
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