You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
