Welp...herpes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
