apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
