Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
