I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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