Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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