Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
