i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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