Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize