I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
we should paint friendship bongs
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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