The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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