So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
