WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
worst night to have a conscience
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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