She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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