Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
