I wish I could teleport
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
