I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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