Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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