You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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