The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
