why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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