Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
God, I missed his penis.
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