somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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