You smell like stripper and shame
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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