Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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