our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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