I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
