Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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