life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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