I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
