too bad you live with your parents still
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
