I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
