life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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