She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
