Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
