I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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