She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
