thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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