It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
