Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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