I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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