i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
