I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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