my sisters under your porch take her home
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
