I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
