This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
