Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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