Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
