it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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