I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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