wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
