Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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