I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
