am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
