It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize