i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
