My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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