It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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